November 25, 2007

Ever since I was young
Your word is the word that always won
Worry and wake the ones you love
A phone call I'd rather not receive
Please use my body while I sleep
My lungs are fresh and yours to keep
Kept clean and they will let you breathe

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind
Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these
So I sat alone and waited out the night
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around
I'm not writing my goodbyes

I submit no excuse
If this is what I have to do I owe you every day I wake
If I could I would shrink myself
Sink through your skin to your blood cells
Remove whatever makes you hurt
But I am too weak to be your cure

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?
I am the watch you always wear but you forget to wind
Nobody plans to be half a world away at times like these
So I sat alone and waited out the night
The best part of what has happened was the part I must have missed
So I'm asking you to shine it on and stick around
I'm not writing my goodbyes

I'm not letting you check out
You will beat this starting now
And you will always be around
I'm there to monitor your breathing
I will watch you while you're sleeping
I will keep you safe and sound

Does anybody remember back when you were very young?
Did you ever think that you would be this blessed?

Its been my understanding that people only write blogs for 2 reasons: complain about their lives and complain about other people’s lives. I’m a pretty simple man, so maybe there is a whole lot more to this whole “blog” thing. But I don’t have the time or patience to figure it out. And as a result, I’m going to use my well-earned slot of cyber-space to do a decent job of complaining. However, after this post, I promise not to make my inability to get dates a constant topic of conversation (mainly because its embarrassing. Plus I don’t even know if anyone else is reading this so it might not even count as a conversation).

I learned something important a long time ago, when it comes to picking up girls, there is no way they get your obscure sense of humor the first night. Some background info on me real quick is that my favorite movie is Ghostbusters, followed by Slapshot and then Caddyshack. I can’t stand 99% of the shows on tv today and my two all time favorite shows are Arrested Development and Newsradio. Two shows that were undoubtedly cut short well before their prime.

Now, back to why it is a scientific fact that a girl will not find me funny the first time she meets me. While you might have heard of all those movies and tv shows, not many ladies can finish, “Dave’s a killer!” by saying, “Dave’s a mess” And because I have about one ounce of creativity in my body, which I already used on the catchy title of this blog, I can not come up with dumb generic jokes that anyone would find funny. Here’s a good example of my killer sense of humor:

I was in London a few years ago with some friends and I happened to meet a girl from San Diego in a bar. She asked where I lived and what brought me to the land that somehow pretends the years 1776-1781 never existed. Instead of saying the correct answer: New Jersey and then making a joke about the Sopranos or Bon Jovi (both of which are very overrated) and telling her I was visiting my sister, I decided to say that I was trying to get to Florida, but was knocked out, and woke up after I was sold into slavery on the Asian market. She gave me a weird look, took her drink from the bar and I never saw her again. Sold into slavery? Really? I’m worthless.

That was over 3 years ago and the story still haunts me. Now I will talk to a random girl at a bar about once a month. I have enough confidence walking up to a random girl as a contract worker has walking down a street in Baghdad with an American flag draped around his shoulders. Girls don’t want to hear how I can’t be 12 year olds in video games I play on my Xbox live and they probably don’t want to hear how I play hockey with men twice my age. My only hope is to have friends introduce me to girls they already know. Then I can make my horrendous jokes, walk away and let me friends reassure the girl that I’m really funny. And that my nickname is the human jackhammer (one of those things is true. Maybe) So basically what I’m trying to say here with my first attempt of making an online name for myself is can someone give me a synopsis on American Idol. Chicks still watch that shit, right?